Unrealistic Expectations
Most expats come here with their hopes and dreams in front of them. Dreams of a new life, perhaps a new wife in a country whose people speak English; so we are told. A place that will offer us a new start. All very positive dreams for the future; for our retirement years.
What happens when we are confronted by challenges that we could have never anticipated?
There are so many realistic challenges that, in the short intro article for “Culture Shock”, the list would be too long. Lets just take a common one. We’ll use a dramatic example to illustrate the point.
Language and Isolation:
Xpats often find themselves on the outside looking in. Is not exactly what they had in mind for their dream future. Lets suppose that you have found a women and you fall in love only to find that you are not exactly communicating very well.. It may feel like she says one thing and does another. You are thinking, what’s going on here? This is not exactly what I had in mind.
You may begin to fight and as you do your frustration is compounded when you become acutely aware that you are a foreigner, a stranger, a guest in this land that you have chosen to call home.
You become aware because she, your girlfriend or new wife will tell you that. You may hear phrases like “you are in the Philippines and you have to change to our way”. Or this is the way Filipinos do things.”
So maybe you try to adjust your mind-set to accommodate this thinking.
Ok you say. I need to be flexible. But as you try, your immediate situation does not change; with the exception that you may say less, may challenge less. You may begin to feel a little twinge of resentment.
What happened to all of the things that you felt were important? You may see them pushed aside as though they were never important to begin with.
Your wife may have her family and friends over to your house for a party, which you will likely pay for, and may sit alone with a beer in your hand watching everyone have a great time.
Laughing and joking in Tagalog or Bisaya they are having a wonderful time and you get to watch it not understanding a word. You may be included a little bit but when you begin to speak English few of them, if any, get what you’re saying. They laugh and chuckle and you find your way back to your private spot; alone.
Over a period of time it can wear you down. As you are unhappily complaining to your significant other, one day, you hear yourself saying.
"Don’t you understand what I have given up to be here with you?" Feeling powerless to change your life here, which has become less than perfect, certainly not what you expected, you plead with your wife or girlfriend to understand your needs as she wants you to understand the Filipino way of things.
This scenario or anything remotely similar is going to rock your world. You may feel trapped, isolated, alone, taken advantage of or any number of feelings most of which will not be positive ones. You maybe be losing your sense of humour because no one understands your humour, in English.
You may begin to drink too much, which by-the-way will cause you to be even more depressed.
You may feel unappreciated in your own home, with the person that you love or thought you loved. The person whom you thought also loved you and cared about your feelings.
This is but one, just ONE, of the possible adjustment problems that a western man may encounter when they decide to move to the Philippines.
Is it insurmountable? Is there hope?
Yes of course there is, even if you are feeling hopeless now there is hope. If you have gone through a similar situation and come out the other side than you know first-hand that there is hope.
Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to create what it is that you most want in this life; especially in the life of an expat. You are not alone.
Find support for yourself where you can safely voice your frustrations.
Everyone who is an expat has an adjustment period. For some it is longer than others. There are a few who just can’t do it and for those guys going back to their country may be their best option. These are the rare exceptions, in my opinion.
Nobody ever told you that being an expat in the Philippines may require hard work and the isolation can be a real shocker too…I know you expected differently.
Was it unrealistic; maybe so.
Was it your fault? Likely no.
Find some friends that speak English to talk with. Try to learn a bit of your wife’s language. Learn to enjoy new things and find ways to do some of the old things that you like also.. Seek more of a balance in your life. Above all understand that "YOU" matter, your feelings matter and with work you will likely make your place in this new country.
Please comment as your feel appropriate and share a bit of your story with others here. Good luck, God Bless, may the force be with you… Stay safe always.